Scenes from a Saturday Morning

"Tryna Get Up Before Noon"

I woke up an hour before my alarm, fully intending to make something of myself today. And instead, I made the decision that the notifications could wait. 

"Not Tryna Get Up Before Noon"

"Lash Mo Na 'Yan"

"Packing Up: A Tableau From Last Night"

I spent the past month scrambling, and have dedicated the last week to getting it together.

I hope it's working.

Because I am very tired.

I suppose it's a good tired. It's an accomplished tired. It's an, I'm adjusting to this thing kind of tired, and I think I'm getting better and getting less busy (but I'm not all the way there yet) kind of tired.

But for all of that, it still feels like it isn't enough. Like, I'm not doing enough. I'm missing something — and I think it's a feeling of wanting to be more useful.

An inconvenient feeling this Saturday morning, where I had to fight to finish a Google Sheet ("Three. More. Cells.") before collapsing and blacking out for three and a half hours.

Very useful.

"What Are You Doing Mom"

The makeshift curtains I left down all day. Yes, the room was v. cozy.

A habit I'm trying to develop is thinking of just The Thing I'm working on, when I'm working on The Thing. Not of The Other Things I Could Be Doing But Am Not Because I'm Doing The Thing and Now I'm Panicking. 

It's unproductive, it's draining, it's unnecessary. 

So I will endeavor to pull away from worry. Or at least, allow it to sit beside me without paying any attention to it. I'm learning it's a lot more useful to just keep pressing on.

There's a lot to do. There's a lot more that can be done.

But at least for today, the notifications can wait.